Ladies. I have a confession.
I am terrible at delayed gratification.
Yesterday a good friend of mine made Captain Crunch milkshakes. Your eyes do not deceive you. CAPTAIN CRUNCH MILKSHAKES, LADIES. A glorious combination of sugary cereal goodness and ice cream blended to perfection.
All I had to do was wait – eat an appropriately proportioned dinner of chicken and veggies and wait an hour, then my mouth could revel in the smooth creamy goodness that was Jordan’s Captain Crunch milkshake.
But there was Trader Joe’s Vanilla Fudge Swirl in my fridge.
And I was hungry.
And I succumbed.
Did I mention that I am terrible at delayed gratification? Chastity has frequently been pitched to me as a discipline of this exact nature. I have trouble motivating myself to say no to something good right now in order to be able to say yes to something great later. I am so easily swayed by whatever is in front of my face right now! Thus, I am terrible at chastity.
Sex is good.
It is intimate, fun, good,beautiful, fruitful, and we are geared to crave it. Sex is literally SO good, SO beautiful, SO full of love that the two people having sex cannot contain it all and that love LITERALLY BECOMES ANOTHER PERSON. Hence babies.
These desires on our hearts for human intimacy are so good. It is human to experience them, even to crave sex when we are alone. But the deepest and truest longing here is not human. The root of this desire is divine, and only divine love can fulfill it.
So how in the world are we supposed to keep ourselves chaste, not only in physical intimacy with others, but also avoiding masturbation and keeping our imagination reigned in?! If it’s really a desire for love in the end, what’s the big deal if we mess up a bit in our pursuit of a good and just go to confession?
I found myself asking this question months ago. Kissing my boyfriend at the time was really fun and I often found myself thinking it was no big deal to go further, we could just go to confession later. Chastity is hard and everyone messes up a bit, right?
But friends, something else was at stake here. Succumbing to Vanilla Fudge Swirl didn’t just hurt my ability to partake in Jordan’s Captain Crunch milkshake. It hurt Jordan.
I needed greater motivation to live uncompromising chastity. I needed to know that my inability to delay gratification not only hurt me, but it deprived people I love of a great gift.
I talked to a Sister months ago about my problem, and naturally she had wonderful insight. She told me that, as women, we have a certain ferocious energy that is reserved for protecting our loved ones. Immediately, I knew what she was talking about. I am familiar with the white-hot rage that kindles deep in my stomach when the safety of a loved one is compromised. I’ve seen it in my mother, in the bone-chilling look in her eyes at the scent of danger. I’ve seen this fire in friends when a sketchy boy approaches at a party. We, as women, love fiercely.
So Sister told me to fight for the safety and good of my family, both current and future, NOW. To use that ferocious maternal energy to protect them from the evils of lust and use.
She told me to give them a gift. Witness to them a life and marriage of true, chaste love so that they might not settle for anything less.
I had not lived a chaste life up to that conversation with Sister. I will continue to struggle, and I beg you for your prayers. Because I desperately want to fight for my future children. I desperately want to fight for my dear friends and be a witness of love. I desperately want to fight for my future husband. I desperately want to fight for you, my sisters. I desperately want to fight for my Lord.
This isn’t just about me.
I fight for You. Fight for me.